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fuck you, mal, think of it yourself
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| i spend a lot of time staring at a mermaid on a poster that says "mermaid tales from around the world." i can see her just above my favorite computer monitor, in the third floor of the library.
every girl is at the girlball: hollins cotillion. i had a princess dress to wear but i will wear that at some other girlball. tonight i have to stitch up that big paper i've been working on.
but i am not working on that paper, obviously. i am measuring my pubic hair in my dirty sweatpants and picking tattoos out of a big book of illustrations from children's books. i am rolling cigarettes that i dont feel like smoking and sending ben a text message that says "i'd like to fuck the red out your hair."
creepy!
i have a criminal record and scabbed-up knees and love letters that i doubt.
i dont want to leave the library.
 | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment   |
| "ok now Amy,
doncha think there is a relationship here between the POT and the GARDENER
if the bonsai is a woman"
talking marge piercy with a fifteen year old
has become the highlight of my week
my hair looks like cameron diaz's in being john malkovich
NEFA feels like camp nowhere
i am spending too much effort on a mixed tape for jami
and i have put love songs on there
which i have to admit
aren't entirely for her.
at night i talk to ben on the phone
usually for an hour
and i line up all the recent anecdotes of my life and shoot them at him with a slingshot
and usually my sentences end in "eehh heh..."
we've only really been alone like three times.
but here he is about to come to hollins for a week!?
it's funny how shame rises to the surface when love comes to town.
who knows who knows
at night i slip into jo's bed
which is as big as a room itself
she turns on the heater and does a dance
to the clanking
we lay and talk about our gillian welch future
then i roll over and
she holds me tight around the middle
i want to run through afton state park
and also go to the deerpath house
choke on that dirty riverwater
tonight i am in roanoke
feeling kinda like reality bites, janene garofalo,
i am going to drink and watch gin play pool for her birthday.
my skin is itchy and outside it smells kind of wet and metallic. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| so recently i've decided, or rather it was decided for me by some weird intuitive river i've been floating down lately, that i am going to move to minneapolis for one year. minneapolis via eugene, oregon. minneapolis via rachel. rachel is so important right now i could just rip her cheeks right off. you know that feeling?
it's interesting to really feel and understand that i am outgrowing hollins. like too-tight jeans that i love and that aren't quite unflattering but that make me feel like i am back in the fifth grade and my body is shaped like a pre-pubescent potato. along with this restricted-waistline feeling is pretty intense premature nostalgia--i want to hug whoever i see come out of the NEFA bathroom stalls. i will miss this community of women.
today my hair is straight and i am listening to all the corrie mixes i own and i am thinking very hard about the girls in minnesota and what possibilities lie there. it will be nice to go home and not be a visitor. | | comments: 8 comments or Leave a comment |
| i'm in love but my eyes still look tired all the time.
i bought a dress to congratulate myself about feeling optimistic for the future and it has enormously poofy princess sleves. it's an optimistic kinda dress. people usually pick things out for me with this type of sleeves so i figured i'd just follow their lead.
what if...
i went on tour in the deep south
with jesse ray carter?
it would be a lot of free drinks and weird old dudes. a lot of tom waits.
would someone please tell me if alliteration is cheesy?
or if a free-range raw meat table is ALWAYS a better idea than an incestuous union?
rachel chose the kid. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| with a heavy body on top of mine and a chin resting in my eyesocket
i feel like nothing can hurt me | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| i am looking at some words i wrote a long time ago,
sex = fill a lack --> girls as victims.
hmm
the lumberjack told me that he can't wait to say these words:
"goodnight, i'll see you in the morning"
to me.
holy mole
i am wondering right now which is the superior city for the next one-two years of my life: memphis, minneapolis...chicago?
twin oaks looks better and better | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| tonight i got scared about the future and vulnerability and going out on limbs, letting trains hit, removing dowels, becoming a lesbian etc etc etc
and kristen straightened me out and then jo did this most amazing massage and told me, without irony, to breathe through my vagina.
and i felt all fucked up
and so scared
but then she stopped massaging me
and my face was all puffy "from the toxins"
and i took this amazing shit
and in the stall,
i thought again about some of that freudian stuff
and now i'm making a rainbow poster for my thesis
and its coming out hard and all the muses that left came back | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| thanksgiving break oh my gosh i feel things besides dry, robotic motivation.
i ate vegan gravy with a bunch of art schoolies
and then i ran 500 errands in kristen's white wolf subaru.
drank too much whiskey and did a tripod with a tear in the crotch of my sweatpants.
was charmed by roomfuls of my minnesota friends. was re-charmed by 'one headlight.'
friendship consummation with sarah hollows
held on tight to the taxpayer-sponsored thanksgiving day matchmaking float plane. am currently holding tight, actually.
told brooks he was petulant and my brother he was a selfish little prick.
watched my family ruin our own thanksgiving by fighting about which movie we are going to go to tomorrow. currently no one in my house is speaking to any of the other members... a little depressing, mostly just funny.
fucked up and forgot and called native americans 'indians.'
feel endlessly restless but pretty happy like this is probably how it just should be. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| hollins is so quiet
today i walked with jo through randolph and scratched on the door to our old room and looked at ourselves in the mirror in the turquoise bathroom. we said 'silencio' and then agreed that we've become ugly adults.
a couple of days ago i was at kroger, and a woman working the cash register, who's IDed me a hundred times this year, told me she had a gift for me. she went out to the car and brought back a plastic bag with two dresses in the bottom. they belonged to her mom and she 'just knew' i'd like them. she was right and also told me she loved me.
tonight i went to amy's play. high school plays are so beautifully fucked that rachel and i could hardly hold back our giddiness. it felt just like i was in the tenth grade again and tara and i found it possible to laugh forever about everything.
i want to feel the cold minnesota air! | | comments: Leave a comment |
| last night i held onto jo and told her about how i bought her a drink at fall formal freshman year to woo her. and how we became friends one night while hunting for ghosts in the theater. she doesn't remember these things because she fell out of a tree when she was little.
sometimes it feels like my face has morphed into a gremlin's
i need some girls to come here and remind me of what i really look like.
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| my proposal for the National Women's Studies Conference was accepted! I can hardly believe it.
in my little universe that feels like getting asked to the prom by roberta seelinger trites herself. that doesn't mean anything to anyone, but oh well.
i'm going to sit on a panel with women's studies professors and talk about "Desire, Danger and Disembodiment; Girls' Sexual Bodies in Young Adult Fiction"
--a frightening thought, actually.
thank you traveling pants, my thesis is getting its moment in the sun. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| that's right i am referencing a drunk with a gun.
a woman who works for my college asked me to work with her tenth grade daughter on her "english learning objectives" because she's dropping out of high school. so that means that i will essentially be responsible for partially homeschooling someone who still wants to go to college.
that feels flattering and a little scary all at once. my first instinct is to make her read women of brewster place and get out the old analogies workbook.
probably because those two things represent what i like best about studying english.
i'm so tired of guys who follow the unwritten tuesdays with morrie guide to romance and sex. don't spout those cliches and then press your boner into my back.
i've been re-reading francesca lia block and it is taking me back to some WEiRD places. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| hey paul,
this is sarah, most of my freinds call me Denise.
sorry about that funny message, i guess i just got carried away, but seriously, i am coming to MN soon, and i do want to be alone wih you. Mallory has told me great things and ever since i saw your picture, i cant stop thinking of things i want to do to you. (wink wink) and i really agree with the philosophies on your myspace.
heres a pic of me attached
heart,
Denise
Hey Sarah ,
Why does everyone call you Denise? It seems kind of like an odd
non-nickname nickname. I can't promise that I'll live up to your image
of
me, I'm just a regular guy with great friends, but I'd love to get
together over some tea. Plus, I know some great spots in the city and
love
playing tour guide. When are you going to be in MN? I think that's all,
but since you i don't know much about you, why don't you describe your
personality in five words and a haiku so I know where to take you. Oh,
and
nice e-mail address.
Peace, love and justice studies,
Paul | | comments: 5 comments or Leave a comment |
| Hi,
my name is sarah. i am looking into different colleges. My parents want to send me to liberty because i am gay. I was wondering, can going to Liberty actually make me not want to be with women? ever since i was young ive felt strong feelings towards girls(including sexual). I know god loves me anyway, but my parents dont seem to. I don't know what to do; everywhere I go I am unaccepted by my peers and by adults as well. I pray every night continuously for these feelings and urges to cease but I wake up in the morning with the realization that they are still there. Every night I try to cut out my heart but in the morning it is full again.
Im just looking for some guidence on your school before i go.
- are the kids homophobic?
- will my girlfreind be able to sleep over during the week or just on weekends or do i have to go off campus to hang with mah girl?
- will the fundamentals try to hurt me? (are there hate crimes against girls who like girls)
anyway, my parents highly recomend this school and im just trying to find out what you guys are really about. I am excited about being apart of this Christian school and I hope you are just excited to have a girl like me.
ps- at the bottom, i included a poem that i wrote, i usually attach it at the ends of emails, i hope you like it. id love a good critique. i thought maybe i could use it as an college entry essay?
sincerly,
Sarah Smith
"Jesus is the way, the truth and the light and i thou shalt not fault hisith wayith, nor shalt i faulter along the pavement of joy or in the jungle of the worldly people and their sins, for thine is the kingdom the glory and the mighty solid rock that holds up all of eternity and does not ever decay under the suns light because he created the sun and the rock and created them to work together rather than against eachother, and nor shall i shy away from the blue sky that heith hath created because it is within that sky that his tears shall fall and i will interpret as rain but in reality they are his tears and not a meer logical conclusion of evaporation; God is the beginning and the end; we are but organs of his majestical purpose, Christ is the liquid that flows through the organs and out of them and into the beginning and the end, and thou Holy Ghost speaketh in new and righteous tongues, singing, Go Forth, Flow Forth, Roll in, Roll Out, Hossana, I say and Hossanah, he calls, and evolution we spite the nature of your turning, your ambitous hunger that ravages in the dark souls of men, that commandeth the fish to riseth up and walk on thy hind legs, that spits into the human face, the face that cries, the way, the truth, the end, the beginning, Roll in, Roll out. "
jo actually sent that to liberty admissions. liberty being an evangelist college founded by jerry "gays caused 9/11" falwell. we're going to visit...her as sarah and me as an ambiguous friend. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| 
a fat squirrel with an abe lincoln wig.
did i mention i kind of hate bunnies now that i co-exist with one? her name is fjola. my keyboard is not icelandic so i can't put the fancy accents on it.
oh,
and last weekend i sang 'bitch' karaoke in front of a bunch of roanoke truckers. | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| yesterday there was a photo shoot for the 'girls of NEFA' where we all became pin ups. we're going to make a calender and are egotistical enough to think that people will buy it.
jo and i were june (cancer pride) and we did this stupid homoerotic pose, highlights of which include white knee socks, S and M undertones and awkward-angle double chins.
i made her boyfriend get in a car accident this weekend. i didn't mean it about his legs breaking, for the record. but too bad for him her only lovah is me.
it's very easy to feel melancholy about your family when you're far away, and even easier to feel like ignoring them completely when you're actually around them.
tonight i met a band who tours around in a biodiesel bus. i am the person who hangs around in the threshold of the kitchen, drinking too much, while other people make nice food. i fell in love with a man who is too young to be married. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| i'munna ace the aerobics routine
i'munna show thirty drunk people my rectum in the cold slick grass
i'munna let jo be the most amazing person on campus
i'munna make my hair permanently yellow
i'munna go to a birth center conference
i'munna figure out the instead cup
i'munna FUCK THE CHEF IN MOODY!
i'munna be patty mayonnaise
i'munna wear my snarky side more!
i'munna set the sky and mountains on fire
i'munna be a good pen pal
i'munna show those fuckers
i'munna be so much more sober | | comments: 7 comments or Leave a comment |
| so far i've seen
"hollins bound"
"HU class of 2010, you go girl"
"honk if you're going to HU"
"Hollins or bust"
scrawled in glass paint on the back of four different SUVs on first year move-in day. goddamn i love this place. | | comments: Leave a comment |
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fuck you, mal, think of it yourself
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mallophor's journal
